Introduction
Suffering (mental anguish) is to a large extent caused by our attitude toward "self". By changing your attitude, you can gradually reduce the suffering you experience. This gradual change will be in proportion to the effort you put in, but you don't need to wait for "enlightenment" or some type of a "BIG CHANGE" to experience the benefits in your life.
We are intolerant of what is not "me" and "mine".
When someone you dislike does something annoying, it could cause you to feel anger.
But if someone you love does the same thing, it might not bother you at all.
And if you did it yourself, you might not even notice it as a potentially annoying act.
We are tolerant of people we love because we think of them as "ours". Our friend, our child, our parent, our spouse.
We are very tolerant of "me" and "mine": our-self and things that belong to our-self.
We are less tolerant of things that are not "me" or "mine" of things that are not-self.
We worry about "me" and "mine"
If you learned of property damage in some far away country or even if you heard about the death of a person you never met, It might not bother you much.
But if a friend or loved one was harmed, or if your car was damaged, or if you yourself suffered some physical harm, you would probably be upset.
We worry more about "me" and "mine".
How to Reduce Suffering
This is how our ideas about self can cause us suffering: We are tolerant of self ("me" and "mine") and intolerant of not-self. We worry about self and are much less concerned about not-self.
The way to reduce suffering is to reduce your attachment to self, to reduce your attachment to "me" and "mine".
When you become less attached to self, you become less averse to not-self. The distinction between self and not-self is diminished. You become less concerned with personal loss and you become more tolerant of other people. You suffer less.
Some people may have a philosophical aversion to diminishing the attachment to self. That is their right. But others may want to try diminishing their attachment to self because they want to benefit from reduced suffering.
What can you do to change your ideas about self and not-self, what can you do to reduce your attachment to self?
There are several things you can do.
- Observe in your own life how your ideas of self and not-self cause you to suffer. Most people should be able to do this: notice how you are less tolerant of people you don't like, and how you worry more about yourself. When you are conscious of this, you start to recognize how your ideas of self and not-self are making you suffer. When you experience loss or when someone does something annoying, you recognize it is your ideas of self and not-self that are causing you to suffer. If you maintain consciousness of this over time, this understanding, reinforced by repeated observation, will cause you to become disillusioned with your attachment to self because you are constantly reminded of how it causes suffering for you. This disillusionment will tend to encourage you to begin to let go of your attachment to self.
- Relaxation - Relaxation exercises (actually a kind of meditation) can help you relax and relieve stress. When you are relaxed, your stress levels go to zero. When you are stressed you are focused on yourself. Stress hormones cause us to be fixated on the source of the stress, we become fixated on "our" problem. When you are relaxed you are much less irritable, less self-centered. You are less attached to self.
- Quieting the mind - Meditation quiets the turbulent mind. Thoughts of self and not-self are less frequent and less intense when the mind is tranquil. If we think less about self and not-self, our attachment to self is reduced.
- Spiritual feelings. Certain meditation techniques can produce spiritual feelings such as compassion, forgiveness, goodwill, humility, equanimity, serenity, surrender, contentedness, joy, and connectedness. When we have these feelings we are much less attached to self. When you experience these emotions, either from meditation or in the course of ordinary life, you see how true it is that when you love others and aren't focused so much on yourself, you suffer much less. Annoying people don't bother you as much, and feelings of disappointment and loss are diminished. You understand the way to reduce your own suffering is to love others and let go of your own sense of self-importance. It might sound contradictory and impossible, but loving the people you "don't like" and stopping worrying about yourself reduces the suffering you experience. When you see this from your own experience, you will likely want to do it for your own benefit, letting go is a natural reaction. (Sometimes people think this means you should ignore your own needs or ignore that harm others may be doing - that is not what this means).
And these spiritual feelings are pleasant, we like to have them. When we notice what causes these feelings to dissipate (unpleasant emotions caused by attachment to self) we also become disillusioned with our attachment to self and begin to let go of it. In addition to the meditation linked above, samatha meditation and metta meditation can have a similar effect and are somewhat easier for many people to do.
- Goodwill. If you can produce feelings of goodwill through relaxation exercises, samatha meditation, or metta meditation (.mp3), and extend feelings of good will to people who are not "yours" and to people doing things you don't like, you bring those people into self, they stop being "other" and become "yours". Extending metta in this way increases your freedom from identity view.
- Meditation can also allow you to understanding how the mind creates the separation between self and not-self. This distinction happens when your mind is aware of sensations (sight, sound, smell, etc) and it recognizes the objects they represent. The moment when that recognition occurs is when the mind makes the distinction of self and not-self. This happens so rapidly and so often that, just as the frames of a movie create the illusion of motion. it creates the illusion of a continuous self that becomes ingrained in our world view and is taken for granted. But when you see directly it is an illusion, the attachment to self becomes diminished.
Conclusion
It is rare for anyone to completely eliminate their attachment to self (to "me"and "mine"), but most people if they want to, can reduce the suffering they experience by reducing their attachment to self. This will not automatically make someone a better person or a nicer person if they don't want it to. But if you do want to experience those kinds of changes, reducing your attachment to self can help.
Copyright © 2020 by ncu9nc All rights reserved. Texts quoted from other sources are Copyright © by their owners.
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